You heard it here first

1. January – 4×4 driver ‘name and shame’ register set-up

In late January eco vigilantes start going from street to street drawing up a public register with the names and addresses of all 4×4 owners. Rabble-rousing leafleteering by Tory party activists backed by David Cameron himself (after publicly jettisoning his Lexus hybrid jeep) is suspected of starting the trend. Local councils stand idly by – except in Richmond where they note down any parking permit increases – while angry mobs force the off-roaders to wear 1908s-style ‘Frankie says’ “Planet-killing scum” T-shirts and bumper stickers (made of unbleached hemp). Unfortunately, in certain deprived areas, these T-shirts become badges of honour for hard-nut ASBO 4×4 drivers who wear them prominently at all times.

Even hybrid 4x4s and carbon offset stickers placed prominently in muddy windows are sneered at by born-again cyclists who don’t even know if their loft is lagged properly and have already booked their barely taxed flight to somewhere in Eastern Europe for their unnecessarily far stag weekend jaunt.

2. February – Congestion Charge goes west

From February 14 the congestion charge extends right out to the Earls Court Road taking in Notting Hill, Kensington, Knightsbridge, Chelsea and Belgravia. Those who say it is all about penalising the rich are laughed out of court. As a sop to hard-grafting staff who work late and like to dash across town to take in the theatre in the West End, the charging end time is clawed back from 6.30pm to 6pm. As Ken plans to effectively ban 4x4s from town by 2009, carmakers work to offset the bad press by denying they make SUVs anymore. Marketing departments work feverishly on catchy new titles with “Crossover Radical Activity People Yacht” a major frontrunner until focus groups point out some acronym issues.

2. March – Brown’s Budget spanks ECO schemes

Having had the nasty feeling that certain Employee Car Ownership schemes (ECOs) were “getting away with it on the BIK tax front” for some time he finally announces in his late March Budget that any employee who ‘opts out’ of their company car scheme will only be able to choose from a Tata Indica or a big petrol-engined Fiat Croma. Experts believe this will kill the ECO market stone dead – and much quicker than any more complicated legislation.

4. April – Heineken sponsors roadworks

On the first day of this month, famed beer purveyor Heineken decides to promote quicker roadwork completion by offering a FREE pint per worker for every day the project comes in under schedule. Congestion is wiped out over night.

5. May – Hands-free phone-driving earpieces face ban

By the time spring is over new laws see convicted hand-held phone-drivers having their licences endorsed by three penalty points and a £60 fine (up from just a £30 penalty notice). A further law on the banning of those silly silver hands-free earpieces is considered – with heavier fines when worn away from the car itself. Exemptions for minicab drivers are expected.

6. June – ‘Controlling minds’ come out of closet

As the corporate manslaughter bill becomes law, various managing directors and CEOs finally admit to being in charge of their companies once again. Electronic hourly driver licence checks become commonplace after one high-flyer from a FTSE 250 firm loses his licence in a single daily commute.

7. July – Smoking off-roaders face execution

Smoke-free workplace legislation becomes law at 6am on 1 July and makes it illegal to smoke in “enclosed or partially enclosed” company vehicles used by more than one employee. Pool car coupe/cabriolet sales soar as top-down tabbing becomes the only get-out clause. Death-stick drivers with panoramic sunroofs lobby Government to be included in the loophole to no avail. A Labour backbencher suggests reintroducing public executions for 4×4 drivers who smoke in their vehicle and occasionally carry passengers.

8. August – Brown: “No more fuel duty hikes”

Our newly unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown pledges not to raise fuel duty ever again – it’ll be the job of his Chancellor Alistair Darling instead. Darling says existing LPG duty rebate is “safe with him”.

9. September – Chinese hit great big wall

Euro NCAP awards its first ever ‘minus stars’ to two new UK-sold Chinese imports in its latest round of crash tests. However, sales of the sub-£10k large 4×4 duo – Ofrowdah and Onrowdah – are brisk. In 20 years’ time its parent company Brilliant Land Wall pips ailing Toyota to global sales top spot.

10. October – “Breathe less” plea to cut CO2

As the radical Climate Change Bill gets its first reading politicians are urged to use shallower breaths in a bid to cut the death vapour CO2.

11. November – Biofuel tax breaks confirmed

Chancellor Alistair Darling cuts LPG duty rebate by 50%. Biofuels that nobody makes yet get tax breaks to the tune of 40%. Meanwhile, readily available French biofuel is banned due to rumours of a potentially engine-damaging high Camembert cheese content.

12. December – Industry experts predict consolidation

On the eve of another big year in fleet, industry experts predict further consolidation in the contract hire market, over supply in the car market and more niche products with an ‘X’ in the name. VW denies it is considering a Golf with an even higher roof.

Endnote
Dear readers: The events in this column are almost entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual events, people or places is coincidental. Relatively normal service will resume next fortnight.

Guy Bird is our editor-at-large and political columnist