Utilising the hard shoulder and high-occupancy vehicle lanes are two schemes being touted to ease motorway congestion. One we like, the other we don’t

Top conversation opener in the canteen right now (well, top printable one anyway) is this plan to let us drive on the motorway hard shoulder. A “vehicular Vicks” is what one of my guys calls it: it’s meant to relieve congestion instantly. Then someone else pointed out that too much snot renders Vicks useless, just as too much traffic will probably scupper this.

I’ve heard all the arguments against, and I’m sure some driver training company will quickly point out several more reasons why it’s the most dangerous scheme ever (the solution? Why, individually tailored driver training, of course), but I don’t actually disagree with it, and weirdly, neither do most of my drivers.

If that 11-mile stretch on the M42 is anything to go by, the idea is that you’re not always using the hard shoulder – just when the traffic builds up. Gantry signs tell you when you can and can’t. If that sounds dangerous, then I’ve heard of American freeways where gantry signs control what direction a lane is heading in! If such a scheme hasn’t erupted in carnage, then we’ll most likely be okay.

&#8220Unless we start picking up hitchers, then all of my drivers are going to confined to the single-guy lines, looking on enviously as happy couples zip up the outside lane of the M1.”

If there is an accident or someone breaks down, then the gantry sign says no go. There’s a load of cameras monitoring it, of course, and anyway, to be hard-nosed about it, none of the breakdowns are going to be mine – one salesman ran out of diesel on a motorway about two years ago, and the ribbing he got (orchestrated by me) has scared everyone into checking their vital fluids regularly.

No, I’m more worried about this plan for party lanes, the ones you need two or more people in the car to enter. Unless we start picking up hitchers (actually banned: read your manual!), then all of my drivers are going to confined to the single-guy lines, looking on enviously as happy couples zip up the outside lane of the M1. Unlike the hard-shoulder plan, it’ll means years of roadworks, and at the end of all that suffering around Luton and everywhere else, we won’t see any benefit.

Except maybe one. To police these lanes, there’ll be a camera count the Big Brother house will be envious of. And how will they pay for all these? One telematics fella I was talking to the other day even reckons they’ll be able to eventually access them and stream footage onto my desktop. A signal from the black box in the company’s cars will trigger a broadcast just before it goes past. Not only will I know exactly where they are and what the traffic’s like, but I can play Big Brother for real. Say I spot a snotty salesman with his phone illegally mashed to his ear, I dial him on callback and yell “use your handsfree, tosspot!” when he picks up. Entertaining, and a legitimate safety briefing in one. Perfect.